Fwiw, your unapologetic writing style is a major reason why I subscribed to you in the first place. I much prefer to read someone who’s giving a relatively unique perspective I know they’re being honest about (and implicitly leaving me to do the work of analyzing how much their points conform to my own experiences) than someone who compromises in all sorts of directions, leaving me confused as to what the writer really thinks (and sometimes, even what point they’re actually trying to make in the piece).
The biggest reason, I think, is actually in the affect of your writing (and similar writers). I feel more respected as a reader in doing so, it’s good to know I’m not expected to run off and fail to engage with a larger point just because the edges haven’t been rubbed off.
I imagine/hope other male-brained Substack high-decouplers are similar, lmao, but I can’t deny there’s a good chance I’m in the minority wrt that, sadly
the war metaphors and imagery in this are just too good. Loved how you moved from a discussion of strategy and tactics to a full on parry and riposte. Brilliant writing and so irascible
What a take on this. My own personal experience as an avoidant woman is in direct opposition to your conclusions. I have found men very easy to get and to keep, whether they have stable, avoidant or anxious attachment.
I think blunt outspoken women are the best writers, honestly.
Regarding the emotional openness issue, I think a lot of the male emotional openness out there is performative, as a reward the woman is allowed a peek into the soul of the otherwise stoic man. I don’t think they realize this is the relational equivalent of the “backstage tour” you get if you pay extra for your theater ticket.
Certainly, lots of men have had the experience of opening up emotionally and seeing their partner react negatively to what they reveal.
I disagree. There’s no real skill in being blunt and outspoken
However, when you are willing to turn that mirror on yourself and use it to reflect on your interaction between yourself and the world? Then you are a truly interesting writer
Like the above article
I agree about the “backstage pass” - a good analogy
Excellent article. Very perceptive and very well-written.
I want to offer a male perspective on this.
One thing most men learn by the time they're a teenager (if not sooner) - we're the sex that's expected to initiate. To be clear, I'm not complaining, it comes naturally for a lot of us. In any event, we're the sex that's expected to take the lead. There's a reason why the insult for certain women is "pick-mes" and not a more general "men-pleasers". Simply put, men (and teenage boys) are expected to do the picking.
And like you correctly noted, this invites with it *performance*. Since men initiate, women hold the power of acceptance or rejection in their hands.
For a man confessing to a woman, or taking her out on a date, it's honestly not unlike giving a public speech, or doing some sort of performance in front of a crowd. Now... what's the worst crowd response you could get? It's actually not boos or jeers, at least that gives you some information to work with. Something you can learn from. The worst crowd response is *silence.* It's... emotional avoidance. Silence *suggests* that you're bombing, that you're failing... but it's not 100% certain. And if you are bombing, it's not clear why.
Yes, as performers who initiate, we want a response. Almost any response.
My impression is that women like a man who's mysterious, and some of what you wrote here seems to support that. Men might fantasize about a mysterious woman, but in an actual relationship, we want to have a good understanding of our partner. "Happy wife means happy life" and you're more likely to be effective in bringing more happiness into a person's life if they're not a mystery to you.
I’ll need to reread, lots of generalities that resonate with my experience with lots of specifics that don’t.
I’ve enjoyed following bc I think you engage with an interesting range of ideas, ironically lol. I suppose not, tho - can’t write like you’re in enemy territory without heading over there.
Appreciate this, but feel like it's going anywhere. Perhaps the question is, is there just more emotional and gender variability on this issue, that's why it isn't clearly coded as a stereotype one way or the other.
I very much appreciate the bombastic and imprudent style, FWIW.
Fwiw, your unapologetic writing style is a major reason why I subscribed to you in the first place. I much prefer to read someone who’s giving a relatively unique perspective I know they’re being honest about (and implicitly leaving me to do the work of analyzing how much their points conform to my own experiences) than someone who compromises in all sorts of directions, leaving me confused as to what the writer really thinks (and sometimes, even what point they’re actually trying to make in the piece).
The biggest reason, I think, is actually in the affect of your writing (and similar writers). I feel more respected as a reader in doing so, it’s good to know I’m not expected to run off and fail to engage with a larger point just because the edges haven’t been rubbed off.
I imagine/hope other male-brained Substack high-decouplers are similar, lmao, but I can’t deny there’s a good chance I’m in the minority wrt that, sadly
the war metaphors and imagery in this are just too good. Loved how you moved from a discussion of strategy and tactics to a full on parry and riposte. Brilliant writing and so irascible
What a take on this. My own personal experience as an avoidant woman is in direct opposition to your conclusions. I have found men very easy to get and to keep, whether they have stable, avoidant or anxious attachment.
I think blunt outspoken women are the best writers, honestly.
Regarding the emotional openness issue, I think a lot of the male emotional openness out there is performative, as a reward the woman is allowed a peek into the soul of the otherwise stoic man. I don’t think they realize this is the relational equivalent of the “backstage tour” you get if you pay extra for your theater ticket.
Certainly, lots of men have had the experience of opening up emotionally and seeing their partner react negatively to what they reveal.
I disagree. There’s no real skill in being blunt and outspoken
However, when you are willing to turn that mirror on yourself and use it to reflect on your interaction between yourself and the world? Then you are a truly interesting writer
Like the above article
I agree about the “backstage pass” - a good analogy
Excellent article. Very perceptive and very well-written.
I want to offer a male perspective on this.
One thing most men learn by the time they're a teenager (if not sooner) - we're the sex that's expected to initiate. To be clear, I'm not complaining, it comes naturally for a lot of us. In any event, we're the sex that's expected to take the lead. There's a reason why the insult for certain women is "pick-mes" and not a more general "men-pleasers". Simply put, men (and teenage boys) are expected to do the picking.
And like you correctly noted, this invites with it *performance*. Since men initiate, women hold the power of acceptance or rejection in their hands.
For a man confessing to a woman, or taking her out on a date, it's honestly not unlike giving a public speech, or doing some sort of performance in front of a crowd. Now... what's the worst crowd response you could get? It's actually not boos or jeers, at least that gives you some information to work with. Something you can learn from. The worst crowd response is *silence.* It's... emotional avoidance. Silence *suggests* that you're bombing, that you're failing... but it's not 100% certain. And if you are bombing, it's not clear why.
Yes, as performers who initiate, we want a response. Almost any response.
My impression is that women like a man who's mysterious, and some of what you wrote here seems to support that. Men might fantasize about a mysterious woman, but in an actual relationship, we want to have a good understanding of our partner. "Happy wife means happy life" and you're more likely to be effective in bringing more happiness into a person's life if they're not a mystery to you.
I’ll need to reread, lots of generalities that resonate with my experience with lots of specifics that don’t.
I’ve enjoyed following bc I think you engage with an interesting range of ideas, ironically lol. I suppose not, tho - can’t write like you’re in enemy territory without heading over there.
relatable, good essay.
Appreciate this, but feel like it's going anywhere. Perhaps the question is, is there just more emotional and gender variability on this issue, that's why it isn't clearly coded as a stereotype one way or the other.