Weakness and the Immature Feminine

Feminine ways of being that rely on weakness to demand that other people be strong

[Post sparked listening to this podcast episode which focuses slightly more on the opposite of this phenomenon and how to overcome both]

While serving an LDS mission (and like many people who do), I had a companion I really disliked. Her favorite topic was how other people were sinning or falling short; she gleefully told stories of missionaries getting punished for breaking rules. I repeatedly watched her compliment people in syrupy hyperbole - more than one of our fellow female missionaries was congratulated on looking like “a modest victoria’s secret model” - and in private often immediately afterwards, derivative of George, Reg. she would criticize the length or tightness of their skirts. She’d privately criticize members for the cleanliness of their homes, their sabbath observation habits, their interest in missionary work, while presenting as their biggest fan in person. She herself would mention ways that she stretched or broke rules and laugh about it.

I found her behavior repugnant.

I struggled mightily with how to work with her while fulfilling what I understood to be valuable godly feminine ideals. On my mission in general, I tamped down my natural assertiveness and aggressiveness because I had the sense that good female missionaries were docile and agreeable. As a result, I was frequently passive aggressive and feeling nauseated at my behavior.

I spoke to my mission president about this tension in an interview during our companionship. “I keep thinking,” I said, “about how easy it is, when someone is behaving in ways you don’t like, to either try to outmaneuver and dominate them or give up and resent them. It is definitively harder to meet them as an equal and try to work with them.” [I believe I then went on to explain exactly why I was not doing the hard thing, which mostly involved restating that it was in fact hard].

If I were to lazily describe gendered failure modes, I’d say that immature masculinity often defaults to dominating in order to manage problems and immature femininity often defaults to pointing to its weakness to demand other people manage problems, or giving up and resenting other people for that choice. Immature masculinity says “my aggression is your fault or at least your problem,” immature femininity says “my passivity is your fault or at least your problem.”

I say femininity and masculinity instead of men and women very intentionally. Men and women are capable of yin and yang failure modes, respectively, and there are reasons that we have the traditional models of masculinity and femininity that we do.